These spaces have become our place

We fear to talk about ourselves in public. The public judges and at times we are not ready for the sentence. We hang in there waiting and hoping that things will be fine but maybe they take a bit longer. We wait. We wait in silence as the war wages on, on the inside of us. The hardest point comes when you cannot explain what is happening to you and yet you feel someone could just slide into your DM. This is the shocker. You read the letter of your mind wrangling to someone only for them to judge you in addition to spreading the word. In a patriarchal world, it saves to be silent. You don’t cry in public. You stay in there. You stay the course. These words we have learnt from the people around us and yet no one tells you of how to stay the course. No one says that. They call that consolation.
Now that I will none of the consolation. Permit me to disappear. I will go to the safe confines of my space where I am allowed to be. To liberate my mind to wander. To search for self. To go places unseen.
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I do not need to first subscribe to a clique for me to be happy. Neither do I need to belong for me to be able to establish myself. It comes as a hard thing to achieve but I will hold. The images, worry and fear of losing myself in the piteous self often come knocking hard on my door. But I refuse to sink in the boat of depression. I stand to shawl self in the resilient hope that things will be better. That once the sun is done with its rounds around the earth, it will soon be my turn to shine. And shine will I when my turn comes. Forget about wounds that never heal or scars that itch at every remembrance of pain. I refuse to subscribe to these newsletters of sadness that society keeps updating me with.
Going to church soon turns out like going to the bar or any other crowd where even among the many, you are alone. At the end of that church service, congregants divide into small groups of hugging fellows and should you not belong to any of them, you are all alone. The bar does not help either. People are always in groups and making the loudest noises as they rinse, all soberness, off of their heads.
I have learnt to be alone. To be happy even in the absence of company. This is the new me; finding peace within myself. The public may have its opinion. I have mine. I will hold on to it.

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